You Should Totally Get Back With Your Ex

 

Kelly & Ryan, The Office 

I actually recorded an episode for The Yapology Pod on this topic but thought it was a little too unserious for the podcast. Also, I recorded that episode when I was in a different state of mind and I didn't want that tied to Yapology because we talk about important stuff over there. Not that getting back with your ex isn't an important topic but just not Yapology worthy. 

If I don't have any fanatics over here, in The Office Kelly and Ryan (and the actors that play them) engage in a very toxic on and off relationship so I decided to use them for the header today. 

I basically have two schools of thought regarding this topic and I think if you like one, you won't like the other. 

DISCLAIMER: If you are in an abusive relationship in any way, shape, or form, neither opinions apply to you at all!

1 in 8 Billion

I don't think people really understand the rarity it is to find your person in this lifetime. There are literally billions of people on Earth, scattered far and wide. Some of us live on tiny islands in the middle of the sea and others live in huge, densely populated countries. How insane is it that so many of us are able to: a) meet someone we even like and b) connect with them on such a level that we fall in love and sometimes even want to spend our lives with them. I don't think we ever really appreciate how amazing that is.

How unique and quirky we all are, shaped by our experiences and our nature. How we all have these small things about us that make us likeable to some and unlikeable to others. But amongst this sea of people we manage to even cross paths with one that we can truly connect with on levels we didn't even know were possible. Someone that doesn't love us in spite of our kinks, but they love those too. Seriously, think about it what are the chances.

Yet we are so frugal with these connections when we are amongst the lucky few that find them. Petty disagreements, lack of self control, impatience, pressure from others, expectations made based on other people's connections "may this love attack me", lack of communication, jealousy, and so much more. All that are inconsequential in hindsight, yet they hold the power - no we give them the power - to destroy a chance at something so rare and so special.

1 in 8 billion chances rarely happen twice, choose them every time.

I wrote this last year, and Christ I'm such a sap when I'm in love. But it perfectly summarizes one opinion I have on the subject. 

If you believe in your heart of hearts that you've found your person and there is no one else you'd rather spend your life with then you absolutely owe it to yourself and your pursuit of happiness to give it as many tries as you can. People mess up, we're so complicated and flawed, and when you decide to get involved with anyone you have to deal with those as well. That might come with difficulties. 

Such is life. 

There's No Better Teacher Than Experience

There's a saying in Jamaica, "who don't hear will feel" and feel you will. I could tell you one million times to respect yourself and this person doesn't deserve you but it might as well be gibberish because none of it matters if you don't feel this way. So I say go back. If you want to go back, then go back. 

You will learn. 

"The straw that broke the camel's back" is one of my favourite phrases because that's exactly what it's like when you constantly get back with someone who continues to hurt you. I promise you, it'll be a random Tuesday and they'll sneeze and that'll be it. The pieces click into place like a perfect puzzle and you decide you're done. It is rarely a huge momentous event filled with yelling and emotion, instead it's quiet and it's final. And more often than not, the way to get to that point is through constant hurt and disappointment. 

So if you're struggling, and wanting to break no contact, despite what they've done to you and put you through then break it. Now. This is your sign - go. You just have to go through some more stuff, and that's exactly what your unchanged ex is going to do. 

And if they don't then yay! Even better, they've changed and realized they need you and will cherish you till the end of time. 

Either way, you're welcome. I take "Thank you" in the form of cash. 

The Virus That is "What if"

A lot of the torment and yearning that comes with the desire to get back with an ex stems from the question "what if". Which is why I think situationships (I hate that word so much) are so much harder to get over than full blown relationships. It's all about what could have been and if it already was, then it becomes about what could have been better. 

You became attached to someone and you both fantasized about what life could have been and it was beyond beautiful. Then for whatever reason that dream crumbled when you broke up. Now what do you do with that thing that was promised to you? Something that you know would have made you extremely happy. You can't just delete that from your brain. So as time passes by, the thing they did to hurt you becomes less and less important (but not less hurtful) in comparison to the possibility of getting the happiness you were promised. Obviously your brain is going to value the happy emotion over the hurtful one, regardless of the fact that the latter is real and the former is not. We still want it. 

Then the birth of "What if". 

This question can swallow you whole if you let it. I hear stories of people texting an ex from years ago the night before their wedding. This is insanity, and it is because of that question swirling in your head feeding off the endless possibilities that live in your imagination. 

Personally, I would rather endure heartbreak in the real world than live in a dream world fed by what ifs. So spin the block my friend, you'll be fine. Because as the great, and talented Ethan Hawke said: 

Soundtrack to "You Should Totally Get Back With Your Ex"

Listen on Spotify 

A song about being unable to stay broken up with the man you're with.

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A duet about two people whose connection is driven by what if and what could've been.

Listen on Spotify

A song about a girl who is sick of the back and forth but falls for it every time.

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A song about connection being upheld by small moments of pleasure.