Despair

I remember seeing this post once that said majority of the bodies that were found in the desert that had died from dehydration were found with water on them. And how that showed that humans would rather die than to live a minute without hope. What a profound discovery. 

I don't think we are meant to live in despair, I don't think we are meant to walk around without even a sliver of hope for tomorrow. That's why depression is such a quiet and lethal killer, and I never understood until I felt real hopelessness. Of all the phases life has brought me through, hopelessness was the absolute worst. 

There is something about despair that makes you feel completely empty, void, filled with nothingness and nothing at all - no amount of food, or love, or music, or sex, or meditation can ever fill that vacuum. You just sort of hope that one day you wake up and it returns. You operate outside of yourself and you suddenly become conscious of every move you make, moves you never noticed before. Lifting the covers off you when you wake up, brushing your teeth, walking, the movement of your thumbs when you type a text, the physical sensation of it all is highlighted. It all now takes effort and consciousness which makes it significantly harder. 

I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. 

And I pray for anyone out there experiencing it, or people who have experienced it because even if you move on, the residue of that feeling sticks to you.